And America's Next Top Model Is............

FARI!!!!!!!!!

If you didnt believe me the 6730683486 times I already said my mom really has lost her mind, then this should prove it. So me and my dear mother were strolling away at the mall shopping for perfumes, she is obsessed with them, and we see a stage set up in the middle with all these blondies wearing slutry dresses and tiaras while their mothers happily looked at them, proud of the fact that their daughters are sluts. So my mom asks whats going on? Slutty dresses, tiaras, stage........."beauty pagent or a fashion show?"

"Why dont you join?" Ok mother just because I look like an aneroxic bitch dont make me the next Kate Moss. First of all, I dont do drugs or date ugly looking druggies. But ofcourse she doesnt get it and is like "I think you would win......." Bless her. Deep down, she does love me.....even if chases me around with one of Aryan's toys all day, she does love me. But ofcourse she goes on and on about how if I gain a bit of weight, lose the goldfish look, brush my hair, put some makeup on, get my teeth fixed, and maybe a nose and chin job, I might win. Umm Thanks Mom but I dont think so. But I finally say I might get to wear a bikini if thats alright with her........."Umm, well ok." I told you she's on crack.

The talks of me being the America's next top model continue all the way home. When we get home, I am like I dont mind meeting Tyra Banks and maybe I should join the next line of ANTM......she gives me one of her "go burn in hell" looks and is like "What makes you think I would let you become a model?" Umm right.

"Too bad, I already applied for ANTM and got accepted and will be on their next show. Must call and cancel".........Thats not funny she says and I should ask her before I do such things. Tell them due to my religion, I cant wear a bikini................Sure.

Anyways, talking about models and fashion and what not, I told a certain someone who I wish not to name that I want to go to Fashion Journalism. Ok fine I spent my high school life in track pants and a sweatshirt, never brushing my hair or could tell the difference between Vogue and Harper Bazaar, I think I can do a good job now. "You cant spell and you have very bad grammer".......Ouch!! This is the same person who I used to correct when it came to spelling back in Middle school. I would so say who this person is but I do infact like her and dont want her to hate me and also last time I said something, she threw a bunch of eggs at me and I am being fully serious. I was smelling like eggs for days except my hair was so shinny!!!

Talking about eggs, I am actually allergic to them. Or maybe somewhere down the line, I made that up. It was in 7th grade, we were in our math class. We couldnt speak proper english back in the day and were still in the ESL (English as a second language you losers) program so the teachers used to pity us and gave us an A even if we didnt do any work. So ya Math Class, me and Chiaki, the Japanese girl, would sit together cause we were the only ESL students and that year, she had 7 out of 8 classes with me. Oh wait, Lisandra was in the class too but she wont sit next to me cause I talked too much. It's after lunch and I really hate the teacher who have the worst hair I've even seen and I would make fun of it all day in the class. . Karma is such a bitch, years later I have even worst hair then her. So yes, we go to class, and Lisandra is not there. But Chiaki is. So 7 minutes later, my face starts itching really badly. I am convinced its the teacher who is doing black magic on me but Chiaki doesnt agree. I probably touched some plants, she says. Anyways, so I ask her if my face is red and shes like "yes it looks like a toyota".......Toyota? "yes Fari, the thing you put in the food......its the vegetable!".....Tomato? "Thats what I said." Ofcourse. So by this point we are loud and Mrs. Bad Hair comes over and talks like not only that we dont speak english, we are mentally retarded and deaf as well. "IS.....THEERE.....AAAA.....PROBLAAM?" Yes my face is itchy.....Chiaki says so is hers..........so Mrs. Evil Hair is like go to the bathroom. So we go there and well yes it looks like I have two tennis balls in my mouth and its all red. Stupid Chiaki rubs her face with a paper towel and her cheeks turn even more redder then mine...stupid pale people!! So we go back to class and tell her we are allergic to something (I wanted to say her but Chiaki stopped me). She asks whats wrong so I start to cry and say I am going to die. She gives me the "you are such a drama queen look" God why does everyone do that? Anyways we get excused and get home.

At home, my mom is trying to figure out whats wrong with me, knowing very well how hard I try in life to make sure there is something wrong with me and I die an early death. She says I can go to bed and stay there. Few hours later, Samia arrives.....this was before God felt sorry for how boring our lives were and sent Aisha from up above (NYC to be exact) to entertain us. She is like oh your face is red. Very smart Sami!! She was such a drama queen back then. One day I was telling her how a basketball star is coming to our school and she cried saying I am making fun of her mom and I spent like an hour telling her no I love her mom. I personally think she was PMSing but she didnt know it back then. So anyways after my mom gives me some medication my itching is gone and so is the redness. The next day she makes me eat some eggs and the itching starts all over again and she comes to the conclsion that I am allergic to eggs when in fact, I really didnt want to eat eggs and did the Chiaki trick afterwards and rubbed my face with paper towel. Years later, she still doesnt make me eat eggs....yaaay! But now I forgot if I really am allergic to eggs or did I make it up?

Movies & Samia and Aisha's Zits.......

Last saturday, I went to the movies with Aisha, Mariam, Mahdeem, Aisha's mom and baby sister to see Tara Rum Pum. Overall I was quite disapointed cause I loved Salaam Namaste (and no Samia not for the cheesy sex scenes).......this one was ok but not something I'll watch again and again. But you know, I'll even watch Faizan's gay porn if it means I get to hang out with the Queen herself, Missy Aisha! I am only joking about the porn Faizi, you know I wub ya.....

So my super smart mother who I love so very much (at times) came up with another one of her brilliant plans that make me scream "why oh why me?" This time she wants to take Satan Jr.....umm I mean Aryan, to go watch Spiderman 3 and she wants me to tag along....how about no? 1. I had enough of watching Spiderman 1 & 2 sixty three times a day and then having a 3 year old hit me, throw super heavy toys at me (what fucking genius thought 40 pounds toys are cute for little devils) , bite me, and jump on me because I am "green goblin" and 2. Wasnt it enough that she dragged me to see that annoying loser Elmo LIVE and made me try to track him down afterwards for a pic and having me getting yelled at by an unfriendly security guard who by the looks of it hated 2 year old Elmo fans as much as I do (that includes you too Samia and Marvi when you start singing Row Row Your Boat like him)? I dont really fancy getting beaten up by a three year old in a public place just because I dared to do the unthinkable when the ruler of the world is watching a movie and breath. Did I mention how I turned my back for one minute yesterday and he put a screen lock on my iPod and changed the language to Japanese? When I sweetly asked him (I really did) what the code was, he simply said "I dont like 3".....no kidding? I dont either!!! Afterwards a lot of chasing was involved with me getting hit by a hardcover book (thrown by Satan Jr.) which made my arm numb for 3 minutes and some blocks (throw by his mom) after I tried to kick him.....

OK back to my weekend. After the movie, poor sweet Aisha telling me how she feels bad that she has to go to work the next day cause my parents dont love me enough to come pick me up at 1 am so I am sleeping over and being a victim of Aisha's radioactive exposure, and all I can focus on is the big red zit on her forehead.....

"Why dont you tell Shamim you cant make it to work cause your zit exploded?" It takes Aisha like 7 minutes to figure out what I am saying while Mariam is laughing.....

"No man, I cant. She wont believe me...." You must be kidding!!! So we spend the night straightening my hair, me putting "very sexy" makeup on Aisha, watching Aisha's engagement video, talking and finally going to sleep..........the next day I wake up and Aisha is at work......poor thing. Shamim probably didnt think an exploded forehead is big enough of an excuse for Aisha to miss work while she worked on her botox again!

So later on, my mom finally decides that she doesnt like getting beaten up by Satan Jr. and I deserve it more and comes to pick me up............where do we go? To Samia's. NO seriously what is it that I cant just meet one of them per week or do anything that doesnt involve both of them....I mean Aisha and Samia. I have to meet them the same time, mention them the same time, go to their weddings at the same time, and I bet go to their death party (thrown by me) at the same time making my brain confused about whether to laugh or cry while remembering all the memories of us doing stupid things or saying stupid things cause we are so desperate.....well they both are, I am fine.

Anyways so I go to Samia's house and meet her mom in the kitchen who says "Your soulmate is upstairs" and for a minute I get super exicted thinking its Rahul but then I remember Samia bitch lives upstairs as well and Rahul is smart enough to know to not go near her.......So I go upstairs and shes on the computer ummmm "studying" and she turns around and what does she have? A huge black zit right on her forehead......the same place Missy Aisha has hers.....see what I said about them being sesame twins or whatever they are called? Ofcourse I cant stop staring at it and keep mentioning it in every sentence I speak and I can see that Samia is really getting annoyed and might throw the remote or Sanji on me.....but hey since when did I start caring that I am annoying or offending her? But thats why she cant get enough of me.....Back to the zits.....while Aisha's was bright red like she was ummm *tries to keep it non ks* eating strawberries and stained her head, Samia's looked like an over grown blackhead gone way too wrong......

Ok I should stop. Its not like I am zit free.......we all know about my Guribabe one!!!! *watches Faizan dig out a picture* Dont even think about it mate! I had a huge ass blackhead (smaller then Sami's zit) on in the middle of my shouder blades for like two years which Marvi always managed to laugh at and I had no idea what it was. One sunny day, the blackhead doctor, Missy Aisha comes over and is like "OMG you have a black head" while pointing to the back of my head..."Yaaay Aisha you finally figured out that my hair color is black!!".....ofcourse not getting me shes like LET ME PULL IT OUT! Umm.....no! "It wont hurt....a lot".......ok yes I hate my hair but I dont want someone pulling it out...........but at the end she defeated me which is not that hard.....size wize dekha hai? Not only hers, mine too........and pulls it out and I realized this time I was the stupid one......

I am joking.....Aisha is more smart then Samia will ever wish to be....I mean I'll ever wish to be.